It's taking longer than expected to get back up on my feet. To go back to school, I mean.
I took my assessment test yesterday, after having been two minutes late for the same test just last week and not being allowed to take it then as consequence. I get my results on Monday, but it won't mean much if classes are full up which more than likely, they will be. In that instance, I'd have to wait until January. I'm not sure what else I could do to speed this process up; this is the school I want to attend, regardless of having to catch four buses a day to get there and back.
I feel mother sees I'm trying, at least. And it seems I've found a buddy just as motivated as I am, so it helps to have someone to "suffer" all this school shit with. Also, working out is keeping me busy in a positive way. Despite feeling as though I'm being avoided by certain people, I haven't been feeling self-destructive. My mood has definitely improved. I enjoy being in my own company like I used to and though I have slight mess ups every now and then, I've managed to keep to a healthy sleeping schedule. It's all good.
I'm not even feeling obsessed or discouraged over the fact I gained four pounds and can't seem to shake them off. Because my measurements so far have been consistent, and they tell me I'm on the right track.
I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be to make a change for the better. I'm tired of being this fatass slacker, a person I haven't recognized in a long while. Time to shed this skin.
I've had a long day.
And I've been feeling totally grumpy lately; as a result, I think I rub off as kind of a bitch to friends that come and visit me.
I thought I'd be drinking today. But I'm not. How disenchanting.
In other news, this guy that admitted his feelings for me to Sarah (like, three years ago) has a girlfriend now. For how long, I'm not entirely sure. But my guess is it's pretty recent. Anyway. Until just a couple of days ago, my friend Chelsea enjoyed teasing me about his awkwardness around me and how he's obviously interested; I never returned the sentiments.
Just a couple days ago my friend mention his girlfriend in a totally unrelated way, but tried hard to avoid eye contact. She later mentioned how he would speak about having sex with his girlfriend. All of this, out of the blue.
Please understand, I do not like this kid.That being said, I don't know if all these comments are merely an awkward, short-term annoyance or the start of some very confused emotions on my part. This doesn't feel very good at all.
Am I the only one always getting annoyed with certain people? There's always a time in the past where I've had to step back and reevaluate my friendship with certain persons. When I'm happy with them, I'm afraid to be alone; I get depressed, even, and jealous when they spend their time with others. I'm never one to admit she's jealous though alas... It's true.
Then they somehow annoy me and playful little things I've done in the past like having... for lack of a better word, "tickle fights" (how fucking queer), and giving them innocent kisses on the cheek seem truly disgusting to me and I can't believe I shared those moments with this person... I find myself snapping at these people for trivial things until I'm able to separate myself from them, if only for a short time.
Right now I'm not sad I'm all alone. I rather enjoy it. We both have enough sense to know when one's avoiding the other; And I reckon this person doesn't miss my face a hell of a lot either. I find myself judging this dear friend in ways I usually don't... I can't help it, but some of the things this friend says are just so very ignorant and fake, I don't know if I'd be able to take it if I had to see this person today. Though... I am worried about my friendship with this person. I don't want things to be awkward between us.
I'm sure things will fix themselves with time.
Marylin died yesterday. I'm not even sure I spelled her name correctly; I didn't know her very well.
I feel it's pretty sad, though. What bugs me is no one really seems to genuinely care. It's more a matter of gossip, it seems... When mother told me what happened, it was gentle and caring; Then I hear sister number three telling anyone who would listen.
"Gabby. You know Marylin died, right?"
"Mayra, You know Marylin died, right?"
Even her nine year old daughter is telling people about it! Now, I've got a huge family, with the majority being females. And females like to gossip. But about someone's death? I feel it's a bit morbid, don't you? Not necessarily because the main person of interest is dead. They're gone, what do they care? But at least show some sympathy to the family. She left behind four kids. Who will explain to them that their mother's gone, they'll never know here again, that all they've got now are pictures?
As cheesy as I may feel sharing this, it's really been bothering me. Why do certain people feel that another's death gives them a level of importance?
It's been a while since I was last on here. I'm being found out everywhere else. I can't take it. No one cares about thou... Don't even know why I got you in the first place, BUT! You're private. I like that. Though at the moment I've nothing of interest to share, not even in the slightest.
Well, I'm off to hide all of the old entries now.
You have a tendency of blowing me off.
I rant forever in my brain about all the instances;
I’m done complaining. I won’t chase after you anymore.
You talk to me when you’re fucking ready.
Hollywood. An unbelievably familiar speck out in the crowd is cause enough for a double take; I can’t believe it’s you. Even as I’m walking up to you, patting you on the shoulder, calling you by the name of the person I’m absolutely positive you are… I just can’t believe it’s you. I hide my gigantic smile with both hands.
I knew I’d catch you when I least expected it. In all honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever run into you again. It’s been five years. Five fucking years. You’re different, you’re the same. How’ve you been? Going to the gym, eh? Oh, you’ve got a girlfriend! I’m not surprised you still go bowling! Still hard at work, I see…
You were my best friend, though you probably never knew. You knew the real me before anyone else did. You were a distant memory just yesterday, and today you’re asking for my phone number. You were like a page in a pop up book. I see you in front of me, but I don’t believe you’re real. You’re 2D, right?
What a perfect time to creep back inside my shell, my lips to chap, my mouth to dry, to avoid eye contact with you… You made my stomach churn, you made my heart skip a beat. I’ve never allowed myself to admit my genuine feelings for you. I don’t know what this is; I can’t explain. I’ve never felt this strong of an attraction before… Not even with her. What is it about you I still admire?
We tried our best to ignore each others presence in the room after we’d said our farewells, due to the company we were entertaining. Or maybe it was just me pretending. I’ve always heard females shouldn’t seem too eager; The chase is always important. If you give in too easily, guys simply write you off. But you’ve been chasing for a while, haven’t you? I’m finally able to admit you probably did like me for my personality, not looks back in high school.
The car ride home was uneventful. I tried my best to stay calm about what’d happened. I loved seeing you again. It made my day, my week, my fucking month. Chit chat didn’t interest me; I was too busy thinking about you, and getting home immediately to escape in dreamland. And if I’m lucky, I might even dream about you.
You made my stomach churn, you made my heart skip a beat. Someone asks a question and I take five seconds to tune in; I’m entertaining thoughts of you wearing glasses I never knew you needed until just a few hours ago. I’m still shaking. It’s all very surreal. Please keep in contact, please call. I promise I’m not asking for anything more than your friendship.
This is only slightly embarrassing.